The Unglamorous Side of the Race

Here are some moments on the race where anxiety hit hard, frustration filtered in, and emotions were everywhere.

• Heading in to Month 3 of the race, we had a long couple days of travel a head of us. I remember stopping in Boston for a long layover. I was stressed. I was tired. I was also very sick. A lot of factors contributed to that day. But when it was time for us to head back to the airport, I had a breakdown. My anxiety was through the roof at that point, and all I could do was cry. So that’s what I did. 

• Month 4… Botswana. As most of you have heard, this was the month we got robbed. It was a stressful last few weeks there. I remember a couple of days after the incident. We were shopping to find stuff to wear to our first true African church experience. But I literally had no money. And I knew that I didn’t need it, but I found this really cute skirt that I wanted to try on. It was perfect. But I really hated the idea of asking my teammates (who still had their cards and money) for money. Because I honestly really didn’t need the skirt. At this point I was irritated and frustrated, I hated being away from our home knowing that people could just come again and take the rest of our stuff. I stepped out of the store because I knew I felt the tears coming. My teammate comes out and asks me if everything is okay. Of course I say, “I’m okay”, and start balling my eyes out. All the emotions and feelings I had about this traumatizing event of being robbed had started to overflow it’s way out of me. And so I just cried.

• Any driving in India and Nepal (Month 6 & 7)… caused anxiety… Twists and turns, passing without visibility over hills, speeding over 100km (100% of the time). But there were a couple of instances where I actually slept in some car rides! Praise the Lord. Haha.

• Month 7 in Nepal. So going into this month, I’m going to be honest, our team was falling apart. And I didn’t know what to do. Every which way the enemy was attacking me. Using my teammates to do that work for him by telling me that if I would be doing something this way, maybe this person wouldn’t feel this way. And for the longest time, going into Nepal, I thought I was doing everything wrong. At this point in the race, we’re all tired. We’re all at a point where we just need some rest. But I couldn’t rest, because I felt like I needed to fix something that I physically couldn’t fix. I cried almost every night for 1 week in Nepal.

• And now in Month 8 Romania. I’m sure there’s a reason to this anxiety I am feeling right now. But this is why I’m writing this blog. I am feeling it. I’m feeling the frustrations of the race. Being around people constantly 24/7 is something I as an introvert do not like at all. I love my J squad church but sometimes I just need to be away from everyone. These past couple of weeks, I’ve sought alone time. Even if that mean hanging up my clothes from the bunk bed to block me in from the outside.

It’s been 8 months filled with moments of frustrations, anxiety and any emotions possible. But God has been with me through it all. There hasn’t been a day where he hasn’t been by my side. But the truth is, we all have bad moments on the race. Bad memories. 

Thankfully I have sweet Joy-filled days that override these moments. (Found in almost any of my other blogs/vlogs). 

Psalm 94:19 – “When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.”